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Top 10 for a Zombie Outbreak Response UTV
Start running, the Zombies are here!
Imagine it. A post apocalyptic state where everyone around you that you love or care about has had the unfortunate demise of turning into a nigh stalking, half eaten zombie….. ….. Ok it is really hard to imagine that even with Halloween around the corner, but STILL, if the zombies started beating down your door, wouldn’t it be great to have a qualified Zombie Outbreak Response UTV cruise by your house and take you to higher, safer ground? The answer is an obvious yes. Lets discuss what would be necessary in a proper Zombie Outbreak Response UTV shall we?
1) Name Brand
Skip the off brands of UTVs, times like this require a proven utility vehicle capable of scaling, climbing, speeding and potentially running over hordes of hungry zombies. There are a few options here that come to mind, a Polaris RZR, Arctic Cat Wildcat, Yamaha Rhino or even the super tough Can-Am Commander or new Maverick UTV. You pick…. any of the fore-mentioned brands and models are military grade tough and capable of saving your tasty butt from ending up in a zombies grill. The benefit to going with a more popular model is your chances of finding replacement parts go up.
This is a no brainer (get it?). No matter if you are driving toward a horde or mashing the pedal down to zoom away, you need the proper protection without sacrificing your ability to be fully loaded and blast your way out of any situation. While conventional vehicles may allow you the false sense of security of full doors and windows, we have all scene the zombie movie scene where windows are smashed in a a meal of screaming girl commences. Pro Armor makes a great half door that could be modified with exhaust holes and reinforcement. There are plenty of options here folks, but don’t assume paying means you get the best quality. Test a variety of manufacturer’s doors for yourself and decide which ones latch, open and fit you best.
While the stock lights on any of the units are great for your average trail traversing, we need to think bigger here. If you have 1,000 hungry animals surrounding your vehicle blocking all angles, you won’t be able to see 20 feet in front of you let alone what direction you need to send your machine. This kind of situation requires a light bar, preferably LED to not take too much drain off the battery if you happen to be running low on gas. The perfect anti-zombie vehicle would have two bars, one on front and one in the rear so that no matter your direction of travel, you can see where in the hell to go. We would go with Heretic Billet and Carbon Fiber light bars. Carbon fiber would give us a lightweight option possibly encased in billet for strength in the event we decide to make our vehicle a temporary zombie lawn mower. There are a bunch of other manufacturer’s here, so line them up side by side and test for yourself – brightness is key here, the brighter the better. Another thing to consider is moisture. If you plan to be in and out of water or moisture your lights may fog over so check your manufacturer’s warranty and guarantee so your lights don’t bag out when you need them most.
Not that the stock engine needs too much tinkering here, I just need to state for the record why a UTV makes a hellova lot more sense than full size truck or conventional vehicle. One word: Gas. Lets face it, as the world crumbles, the last thing you want to be worried about is how much gas your 5MPG Loaded Hummer H2 is chugging down as 99 percent of the worlds refineries and gas stations burn, rust or deteriorate in neglect. The UTV is a perfect option, especially a modified 4 man model like the Polaris RZR XP4, with a smaller engine that can exceed 50 MPH, provide a low torque option for quick bank climbs or traversing a rock field quick to get out of harms way. The engine is easy to get to, easy to find replacement parts for, easy to maintain, needs little gas and/or oil and can run in and out of any terrain.
Picture yourself at the end of a convoy on a dry, dusty road with 4 or maybe 500 hundred evil zombies slowly shuffle your way with an undying determination to catch up to you and eat your brains. If you are smart you would be in a convoy but each vehicle before you will stir up dust and debris, filling your air filter, forcing your engine to gargle an audible gasp for clean air. This is not good.
Now picture your vehicle entering a river crossing, which is not unrealistic as the world crumbles to chaos, water mains break, dams overflow and streets turn back to dirt. As the front tires leave the embankment and the vehicle noses into the water, the air intake becomes submerged or runs the risk of water ingestion. Its not like you can call up your local AAA to come tow you if your engine decides to crap out. This is also not good.
Anyone who has spent time in off-road environments almost certainly would have experienced one or both of these situations, although a solution to the problem is rarely considered until costly engine damage has already occurred or your brain becomes a zombie’s dessert which in that case you will still not be thinking of your dire consequences….you will just want to chew on fido. Clean air is just as important to your vehicle’s engine as it is to your body – keeping a clear, clean way for your engine to breath is the best way to maintain a healthy vehicle and ultimately, a non-viral body.
You can search the internet (preferably now rather than waiting until most feature editors are zombies) for some great options and fitment guides to make sure it works right for your local area or destination.
6) Wheels and Tires
Tires: While this may seem obvious, we must consider that under the specific circumstances, good tires and wheels are going to be hard to come by. Considering what it would take to remain safe while robbing an abandon vehicle of the wheels and tires you should have on your vehicle, being consistently exposed to life threatening armies of the hungry undead is not very appealing. Do yourself a favor and get good tires and performance grade wheels now to ensure that you have everything you need to make it coast to coast without batting an eye….or more specifically, a zombie’s eye. We have spent hours in development and in testing to ensure all of our EFX Performance Tires are trail, terrain, offroad and well, zombie approved. We would go with the EFX MotoGrip – a true Radial tire (runs great on roads/hard pack) but also aggressive enough to make a hard left and detour in the woods with no worries. The 8 ply engineering (the more plies = stronger/less punctures) makes this tire super tough compared to most 6 ply tires on the market. The MotoGrip just recently completed the coveted King of the Hammers race that on average less than half of the racers that start don’t dross the finish line – proof this tire is apocalypse ready.
Wheels: While most wheels are strictly for show, I doubt a zombie is going to care much how beautiful your rims are. So this is where functionality trumps all and the MSA Wheels M16 Vice UTV wheel is the perfect wheel for stomping zombies, surviving an outbreak and carrying the torch of mankind. No Pressure. What makes the M16 a viable option is the fact that it is a true bead lock wheel. Bead lock wheels lock the tire and the wheel together with bolts ensuring that even with a flat tire, you can still roll flat to safety. Normally when you have a tire blow out or experience a pinch flat, the tire goes flat slowly and eventually pops the bead of the wheel and becomes the equivalent to a hula-hoop, spinning freely around the wheel as the wheel makes full contact to the ground, causing permanent damage with each rotation. The M16 Vice true bead lock UTV wheel and EFX MotoGrip tire ensure that the most important things between the earth and your butt are professional grade products.
We have parked our butts in a lot of seats in the last 20 years. You know damn well what is comfy and what isn’t and your average UTV seat, well, sucks – especially if you plan to be in it for an extended amount of time. The end has come and while the creature comforts of the past are now extinct (drive thru food, Red-Bulls, hot showers, clean drinking water, WORCS), you can enjoy one small slice of life by investing in an apocalypse ready, road trip proven seat. We like the offerings by PRP Seats, which range in all sizes, shapes and prices. On our last RZR we went with a wider base to accommodate a large range of drivers and it not only provided the safety (when used with a 5 point harness), but a great comfy feel that kept us in good spirits on each and every ride no matter the terrain or distance. There is nothing worse than sitting on a rattling cooler top for 4 hours so do yourself a favor and invest in a good seat that will hold up to harsh elements and extreme conditions, preferably a leather or pleather which seems to hold up longer than standard cloth seats, especially if we are talking rain or the inevitable zombie guts.
8) Windshield / Roof
We don’t recommend anyone register for the next Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome battle royale without investing in the proper elemental armor to protect you from the blood thirsty carnage and brutal elements. A windshield and proper roof will protect you from anything mother nature can throw your way, including hail, sun, snow and potential acid zombie rain which in our honest opinion will be found to be the leading cause of zombification – Don’t say we didn’t say so. Your preference will determine your survival so pick wisely on both of these accessories. You can get too caught up on style and forget functionality so look over a sampling of custom aftermarket windshield and roofs and depending on your local terrain, you may alter your decision from the next guy. For windshields, we like the front and rearshield by Kolpin Industries. Both providing good ventilation and protection. Alot of the major manufacturers have caught on to this and you may be able to purchase doors and front/back shields straight from the dealer for a perfect factory fit (always best).
9) Reinforced Custom Cage/Support
The only thing protecting your melon from splattering next to a zombies foot while in transit is the quality and durability of your cage. Let’s face it folks, you are already being chased by zombies at every corner of this green earth so the last thing you are planning to do is cut your visibility and cancel out two senses by stuffing your head into a full helmet. The cage is your best friend so we need to look closely at what makes a good one for survival and protection. After building several UTV’s for show and trail, we know that quality welding, tube thickness and professional bending are all required elements to a good cage. Having the ability to customize your cage to your specific needs is important here because you may want a top hatch for easy escape, reinforced side beams for weapon attachment or a front end integrated bumper armor to smash through obstacles, zombie faces and convenience store doors (mmmm how good would a Snickers be at this point?).
TMW Off-Road has some of the best we have seen with fully customizable cages for any model of UTV. They have been at it for years and are well known through out the circuit for fine quality, top notch products. We like that they test their own creations and are die hard riders so you know that by the time you get your cage it is a proven engineered thing of beauty and function.
10) Military Grade Attachments
This is where is gets fun. Imagine the possibilities right? A chainsaw on a swivel mount to clear the way. A fully automatic shotgun for full carnage, wide spray and little ammo required.
WAIT A DAMN SECOND!
We need a .50 Caliber MACHINE GUN!
Even better lets attach a rear mount for another machine gun!
And for good cause, lets do a top mount too in case the sides are overrun!
WHAT DO YOU THINK!
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